When I Doubt

Dear Lord

There are days when I just feel giving up. I wish I didn't need money, I wish ... I wish many things and I'm sure everyone else wishes that also. I don't understand business, I've still got so far to go. Like today I just feel like, like - I've flopped, and maybe I'm not as smart as I thought. Or as ... able? Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. I really need a new strategy.

You are not a flop Lord - You are able. You are steadfast. You are True. You are Sure. You are Certain, only You are Certain, only You can be reached, can be touched, where one thing doesn't mean another. where the system is... straightforward...I flop Lord - floppity flop flop.

Let me live off of You Lord.

Let me have my Daily Bread from You.

Let me eat of Your Presence.

Apart from You I am nothing and nothing works and I just feel like crying and giving in.

It's much harder out on my own than I reckoned. Or may be not. May be its just, I don't know...no, it's not that it's much harder than I anticipated, it's just that - it's HARD. That's all. It's just hard sometimes to keep on going when everything in you is screaming just stop, just give up, you are not enough, you are not enough. You're stupid, you're slow, you don't know enough, you're not educated enough. You're just Not. Not anything at all.

My only hope is You. You alone are my salvation. You alone are my sanity. Maybe today everything will flop. I don't know, I don't care, what does it matter anyway? I can't fix it with my own power anyway. I can only play my own small part and trust that God will somehow make a way as He always has. Make something more of me than this sad little vessel that I am, carrying a great trove of glory that is not my own - may it be His alone. May it be His glory alone. That Shines. In me. Out of me. In me.

Make me a star Lord. Make a star of me when all I see is a blackhole where my heart should be, where my courage should be - where I should roar my lion's heart roar, and can't manage but a squeak - be my Lion's Roar. Be my Battle Cry. Raise me up a standard, raise me up Lord. My Lord, my God. Faithful God. Ever true. Ever true.